I’m not sure I’m ready to put this into words but I know if I don’t try I’ll continue regretting not putting into words what needs to be said. So, at least at the end of this, no matter how it ends, I can at least say I tried
Sometimes you can love somebody with all of your heart and at the same time – NOT want them back. Everything has a breaking point – hearts included… and when it comes to broken hearts there’s only so many times you can piece yourself back together before you realize you can’t go through it any more. You continue to love them, despite all of their flaws and the pain they’ve caused you…. But you don’t want them back because you realize deep down there’s no such thing as back. Not back in time to undo everything that was said and done…. And not back together again because you’re not the same person anymore. You’ve been hurt so many times now that you’d rather break your own heart missing them – than give them the opportunity to do it again…
In this past year with you, I’ve learned a lot. About myself, about relationships, being an adult, about love. Over the years I’ve learned that I’m the type of person who loves with her entire being. When I love or care about someone, I let my entire world revolve around them. That’s what I did with you. You came into my life and you weren’t a person–you were this entity that I became enraptured with——it all seemed too good to be true. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I wanted and what I needed from someone–from you, from our relationship.
I’m going to be honest with you because that’s what people who care about each other do. This is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time and it’s gone on long enough because honestly, it hurts too much. It’s not fair. I’m holding on because I hope things will change, which is perfectly reasonable, but I can’t change a person. I can’t change you, and I can’t change your situation. I can only change myself and the situations I choose to be a part of. You choose to let this nonsense continue and I’ve tried to understand and ignore it, but I can’t anymore. If you wanted to move on, you could. If you wanted to change the dynamics of your relationship with this other woman, you could. I know you well enough by now to know that when you want someone out of your life, that’s it—they’re out. You have had plenty of time to reevaluate your situation and the damage it does to yourself and other people. Why have you done nothing about it? And I don’t mean making profiles private or pursuing secret relationships because that’s childish. I mean taking action and making adult decisions.
I just want you to realize what I’m worth. I invited you into my life, my head, my heart, my family, my bed. That is all very special, and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I’ve given you everything and in return, you’re not even really mine. A relationship—no matter what kind—falls apart the minute dishonesty comes into play. It is no longer fair to me to allow dishonesty from you when honesty is expected from me. And I know you will read this and not realize where I’m coming from but I do hope you try. You are the most important person in my life. But, I only have one life, why spend it with someone who doesn’t make me feel like the most important person in their world?
It’s funny how having the confirmation of your suspicions (however sure of them you already are) can really knock you for six. The realisation that “my god! this is actually happening to me” is something that I couldn’t prepare myself for. You go through such emotions in that space of time, all of the ones you might expect; anger, hate, sadness, fear…a roller coaster.
The thing that made it so bad is the fact we have a 6-year-old child together. I had always hoped I’d be in a marriage that would be stable enough that any children I had would never have to go through kind of parental split and it looks like he is well on his way to experiencing that first hand! If only you hadn’t been so selfish and had been at home with your family instead of spending so much time out by yourself.
Yet when I did gather the nerve to talk to you about your affair were still arrogant enough to claim it was only a “one-off” fling that didn’t mean anything, as if that would allow me to forgive and forget. Even a momentary lapse is enough to undo years of trust and love – you betrayed me and have changed the feature of our son’s life.
Whether you leave me or I leave you, I am going to miss you—this will be something I never quite get over. I’m going to feel heartbroken—like a failure, someone who just couldn’t make it work despite her best efforts. But if it doesn’t end, I continue looking stupid and foolish because I let this happen. But, life sucks sometimes. The most I can do is embrace the heartache and hold onto my pride which I have slowly been losing with each day I ignore the other major relationship in your life. I hate being alone, but I am 100% content knowing that I will not give myself to anyone undeserving. This is my life and I am the most important person in it and for the past 18 years, I’ve forgotten that.
I love you. I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I do for you. I would do almost anything for you—anything you ask of me. The memories I get to keep as a result of being with you are some of the best I have But one thing I cannot do is continue letting you lead me down a path of dishonesty. You don’t see it as dishonesty, I get that, but unfortunately that is what has happened. Whether it’s lying about spending time with her while you’re gone or lying about the “complicated situation,” or telling her I’m a crazy wife, lying is lying and it still hurts the people who care about you.
I’ve fought for you in the only possible way I know how—by being there for you and loving you. But I realize I’m fighting a losing battle. You’re everything to me—and I’m not much to you. I do truly hope you read this and try to see it through my point of view—I don’t understand this situation. And if I get nothing from you now, I never will. I wanted to—I wanted to know who she is, the part she played in your life, if you’re still sleeping with her—so many questions that, until answered, made me question our involvement with each other.
And the sickest thing and even I have to admit this, few months back when after I came in face with the reality and choose to stay with you, is that at the end of the day, I let this happen. I turned the other way. I have let you continue having other relationships and continued believing your lies. I was upset and yelled and screamed when I was alone but never thought I would ever let you go. And that, above all else, made me the most pathetic person I’ve ever known.
I want you to know that for the sake of a bit more excitement with a stranger, you have sacrificed your marriage and your relationship with your child. You have not only changed your future but ours, something I hope will only be for the better.